Surly Girly

Opening her mouth and removing doubt
Confessions of a Mommy Fraud
February 23, 2005

So I went to my bookclub meeting last night and there were only a few of us there. We got to talking about ourselves personally (as women who are relative strangers seem to have no problem doing) and about our children. One of the ladies there had a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 month old, and the other had a 2 year old with one on the way.

As I was hearing myself tell stories about Bear (being the youngest, her stories seemed to relate more to the topics of discussion), I got this really wierd self-aware vibe going on and I felt like SUCH a fraud!

I didn't give birth to my girls, but I sure as heck spend as much time with them as their birth mother does, and I parent them just as much (if not more). I've lived through potty training, speech and vocabulary milestones, growing pains, illnesses, sleepless nights, and any number of other significant points in their lives. And while neither of these women in my bookclub ever said a word to me to challenge me on my motherhood, I still found myself feeling defensive and a bit foolish.

So why do I feel so uncomfortable saying I'm a mother/acting like a mother around "real moms"? I guess if their birth mother wasn't still in the picture, it would be easier, but even though I'm not the one that gave birth, I'm still a mother. Right? Anyone?

After reading Dooce and Mimi Smartypants and Chez Miscarriage and numerous other mother bloggers, I've seen that mothers scrutinize themselves more than each other (if that's even possible, considering how much scrutiny is passed around in the mommy circles). Anyway.. It was just an eye opener I guess to catch myself in the same act. Even though I feel like their mother, I wonder when I'll allow myself to call myself one.

(maybe when I quit giggling everytime I write mother and mentally add "f--ker"?)

posted by LoneStarCupcake  @ 3:27 PM

February 22, 2005

Feeling a bit calmer today than days' past. Got caught up at work (mostly - still have a slew of projects waiting my attention, but I'm not beyond hope of completing everything on time anymore) and got the kitchen painted (it looks pretty damn fantastic!). Got the house cleaned up (mostly - the bathrooms are still pretty scary though). And got to catch up with my best girlfriend that I've been (horribly) neglecting lately.

Wish I'd slept better last night though - I'm all achey from painting and the weekends' manual labor and so I kept waking up. The Big Guy managed to take the last of the Alleve last week so there was nothing to be done but shift repeatedly trying to get comfortable. Getting old sure does suck.

I think we're finally closing on our house (refinancing) tomorrow, depending on whether or not the mortgage guy finally gets his act together. I will be far calmer once that little detail gets wrapped up. Then the shopping begins (ha!)

Next up projects: finishing the kitchen (new pantry and adding some decorative tiles to the backsplash) and painting and redecorating the guest bathroom and downstairs office bathroom. I'm a woman on a mission. Also working on branding and collateral freelance project for a new salon opening. (Actually a project I'm pretty excited about!) And of course making it through this week at work - presentation tomorrow and editing of our new commercial on Friday. *Phew* I guess I'm still pretty busy - but in a maneable sort of way.

Back to it!~

posted by LoneStarCupcake  @ 12:01 PM


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